Was it Traumatic or Not?
I’ll Admit…
“I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for forty years!” -Ouisa
I only watched Steel Magnolias for the first time last week. Everyone who’s seen the movie would remember Ouisa, the ornery & sensitive soul who loves to hate her neighbors.
The relatable part about Ouisa’s character is that most of us with a bad reputation are pretty aware of how we became that way. It makes so much sense that all the toxic, drama-filled, immature, “crazy” people we crossed paths with over the years are to blame for how we feel today- not us. Certainly, not us.
The problem is, we often spend too much time projecting our pain onto others instead of allowing ourselves time to process how those past hurts impacted us personally. It’s wonderful to have as many friends as Ouisa does in the movie, who can understand and support you no matter how many distasteful jokes you make at their expense. At the same time, “throwing shade” and “being petty” should not distract you from the very real feelings going on just under the surface.
In the beginning of this video Ouisa essentially says, “I made choices that led to the greatest disappointments of my life. I’m angry. I’m bitter. I don’t know who I can trust, and I’m not really sure who I am outside of my pain.”
Don’t be like Ouisa and think you have to be “crazy” to go to therapy! Don’t confuse “crazy” with “wounded,” “frustrated,” or “disappointed.” Therapy is intended to support you through your personal journey, so that your interpersonal relationships can change in ways you never thought was still possible!
How Do I Know if What I Went Through was Traumatic?
I often see clients who have the most difficulty talking about their trauma, because they told someone about it in the past, and it was laughed off, minimized, or even disbelieved.
My clients have sometimes wondered aloud, “Why is this still bothering me if others have moved on so quickly after it?”
Let’s be clear here. Trauma is subjective. Oxford defines trauma as a wound, physically or psychologically. It can be the wound itself or the agent that caused the wound (for example, “trauma” could refer to the car accident, or “trauma” could refer to the heightened anxiety you feel when driving a car after the accident).
So, here are ten things you can look for when trying to determine whether you’re dealing with trauma, or something therapy might be able to help with:
Avoidance
Have you been avoiding people, places, memories and conversations that remind you of the difficult experience? Especially if you have to pass by a specific location on the way to work, or you can’t avoid seeing that person during family gatherings, therapy can be very helpful for healing and moving forward in spite of these challenges.
Difficulty Concentrating
Perhaps you have tried focusing on work or tasks to avoid thinking about the traumatic event, but eventually realized your stress levels have increased and your performance has decreased, no matter how hard you try. If thoughts and feelings about the experience keeps popping up in your brain even when you try to ignore them, therapy can help.
Triggers
Most people are aware of the things that trigger bad memories, such as smells, tastes, sounds, songs, locations, pictures, people, and other connections to trauma. Therapy can help you change your relationship to triggers, so that they don’t control every aspect of your routine, choices, and/or life.
Sleep/Eating Disturbance
If you notice yourself losing or gaining significant weight as a result of stress, difficult life changes, or hopes to change your appearance as a way to avoid future trauma, you may benefit from reaching out for a professional consultation. Similarly, if you have interrupted sleep, fatigue/too much sleep, or nightmares, perhaps something psychological/emotional is the source.
Irritability
Most of us have experienced back-biting or short term irritability after having a bad day, but if you’re like Ouisa, and have been having a bad 6 months or more, you probably shouldn’t wait forty years before you decide to get additional support.
Increased Relationship Problems
The challenge with going to loved ones for help is that they are sometimes too close to the problem to see it objectively. Sometimes all you really need is a sounding board; someone who can hear your heart and reflect your true self back to you in a way that confirms, “No, you’re not crazy for thinking/feeling that way.” Many of our well-meaning relationships have difficulty doing this for us, because they are working through complexities of their own trauma, whether they realize it or not.
Life Altering Fear
Paranoia is a diagnosable condition, but fear of trauma happening again does not always mean a diagnosis is in order. If you notice yourself living in fear, especially 6 months after experiencing the worst event(s) of your life, I would encourage you to speak to a specialist about what it might take to regain a sense of normalcy.
Loss of Hope
Depression is a buzzword most people can’t identify within themselves or others without professional training and experience. Instead of trying harder to “be happy,” notice if you have dealt with hopelessness or helplessness since the traumatic event, and consider telling a trusted friend or therapist about your need for support.
Confusion
Trauma has a way of altering our perspectives on the world, ourselves, and our future. Cognitive distortions are common after trauma and can be identified, replaced with better functioning thoughts and emotions, and re-integrated into our worldview to help us move forward after trauma with more strength, grace, and peace than ever before.
Distress
This may sound a lot like the other warning signs I listed above, but I decided to include distress as a separate category to “catch all” the difficult experiences that a person can have after trauma, which may or may not fall into one of the previous categories. For example, if you want to start dating again, but are having difficulty stepping out there and feel like some childhood issues are coming up again, perhaps the distress you’re experiencing around dating is not really about “finding the right person.” Seeing a therapist can help you untangle the mess that is your family history, or whatever else may be preventing you from taking that giant step forward in your relationships.
By no means is this list intended to provide justification for a clinical diagnosis. If you are dealing with any of the issues on this list you are welcome to sign up for a free consult. Together we can explore your options and determine the best next steps for you. I look forward to hearing from you!