About Assertiveness
Assertiveness has become a frequent conversation during therapy sessions, because it is a way of communicating that allows you to say what you need or want respectfully. It’s a skill that helps you express yourself clearly and confidently, while still being considerate of the other person.
A White Picket Fence
The best analogy I have found for helping clients to improve their assertiveness skills is a simple, white picket fence.
I recognize my own triggers that flare up at the thought of the “white picket fence” and all the clichés that seem too high to achieve. Ideals of “perfection” and an ever-dangling carrot come to mind when I hear anything associated with the American Dream.
However, the white picket fence of assertiveness is not about being perfect. The goal of assertiveness is to build:
healthy boundaries,
healthy communication and
healthy relationships
So, why a white picket fence?
If you have boundaries like the Great Wall of China, you have trouble trusting others, and have built tall, strong defenses against building certain kinds of relationships. If you don’t have any boundaries at all, you haven’t put up any fences to keep you safe from harmful relationships. However, if you feel mostly safe in your current relationships, you probably have boundaries similar to the neighborly white picket fence. It’s not preventing others from coming to visit your world, it’s just a pleasant (assertive) indicator saying, “This is mine. That is yours.”
Whenever someone crosses your boundaries, it is like they are crossing your invisible fence and coming into your yard uninvited. They may have intentionally crossed your boundaries (which is aggression). Or, they unintentionally crossed your boundaries (as a mistake/poor decision). Either way, your emotions are usually the first indication that a boundary has been crossed.
How to Be Assertive in 5 easy steps:
Listen to your emotion. Your emotion is usually the first indicator that someone has crossed your boundary. Notice the anger, sadness, shock, or numbness and pay attention to why it’s there.
Identify the real boundary. Ask yourself internally, “Why is this bothering me so much? What is my REAL issue with this person or situation? Is it this? Or is it that?” (e.g. “Is it what they said to me? Or is it the fact that they yelled at me when they said it?) Give yourself time to understand your specific values, boundaries, and preferences.
Decide on an appropriate consequence. It may not be appropriate to curse, yell, fight or otherwise cross a person’s boundaries every time you feel like your boundaries have been crossed. If you take the time to think about it, you will probably find other consequences that are more appropriate for the situation. For example, instead of saying, “If you yell at me again, I’m leaving you” try saying, “When you yell at me, I begin to shut down. So, I will want to pause the conversation for a later, agreed upon time when we can both be calm.”
Find a good time to talk. After getting clear on your personal boundary and appropriate consequence, find a time and space to share your boundary with the other person. It helps to choose a day and time where both people are not hungry, tired or distracted. It may help to schedule in advance an agreed upon time to chat. Let the other person know what the topic will be about, and try to keep the conversation to an agreed upon time limit (I generally recommend one hour) . Do your best to stay on topic. That way you won’t bamboozle each other with additional grievances unexpectedly.
Calmly, clearly, considerately communicate. Be sure to communicate both the boundary and the appropriate consequence. Speak with a calm, clear and considerate tone of voice.
Notice the response. Be willing to negotiate assertively, make space for passive responses, and be prepared to assert appropriate consequences for aggression. Remember, you can not control how the other person chooses to respond to your boundary, but you can do everything within your power to respond appropriately to the other person and go to sleep with peace at night, knowing you took full responsibility for the parts you have control over.
Being assertive can be helpful in various kinds of relationships!
In romantic relationships, assertiveness can help you have honest conversations and reach compromises that work for both of you. When you’re assertive, you’re more likely to get your needs met without having to resort to aggression (i.e. crossing their fence and throwing a tantrum in their yard), manipulation (i.e. threatening, “If you keep crossing my fence, I’ll keep crossing your fence!") or passive-aggressive behavior (i.e. every time they cross your fence, you cross their fence without explaining why).
In friendships, being assertive can help you set boundaries and protect your time and energy. For example, if you have a friend who repeatedly asks you to do things that make you uncomfortable, you can be assertive by politely but firmly letting them know that you don’t want to do those things (i.e. explaining, “I know you like to visit my yard, but I could plan my day better if you called first and asked to come over.”)
Assertiveness can also be helpful in the workplace. It can help you communicate your ideas and opinions more confidently, and it can also help you stand up for yourself if you’re being treated unfairly. Being assertive in the workplace can help you get more recognition and respect (i.e. getting clear on what really matters to you and sharing calmly, “I prefer to use email/speak over the phone to respond to your questions.”)
Overall, assertiveness is a valuable skill that can help you build strong and healthy relationships with others. It takes practice and patience, but with time, you can learn to be more assertive in all areas of your life.