Where are all the successful marriages?
How can you surround yourself with real life examples of happy and successful marriages? Do they really exist?!?!
Keep reading… and yes, they do. :)
Before I got married, I felt surrounded by examples of divorce, unhappy marriages, and unsuccessful relationships. Including my own parents, I had 15 direct relatives who suffered through divorce in my extended family. Many of those 15 went through more than one divorce. The thought of getting married terrified me, but the idea of a healthy, successful marriage still lingered deep within my heart.
During my childhood, the only examples of healthy marriage I had the privilege of knowing were:
My Maw maw and Paw paw (great-grandparents) who were married 60 years with four children.
My great aunt and uncle, who were married almost 54 years with one child, and
Their son (my second cousin), who has been married to his wife more than 27 years now with zero children.
Through all the ups and downs, they stayed true to each other without any infidelity, with sincere joy, and with enduring love to last a lifetime.
One challenge I had while growing up was that all three couples lived far away. I only saw them about once a year during holidays. Additionally, all three couples were from the “white side” of my family. Even though there were several divorces on that side of the family as well, it was a challenge for me- as a mixed race/brown skinned girl- to imagine what a black/brown household might look like from day to day in a successful marriage.
It wasn’t until meeting my now husband and getting connected with the various healthy marriages he was surrounded with that I began to see the importance of marital representation. Today, I understand that successful marriage is not a one-size-fits-all deal. Anyone can have a successful marriage after divorce, with or without kids, with any number of married years under your belt, and at any age! Successful marriage is ultimately defined by the two people inside the marriage. The nuanced details of what makes that marriage successful goes far beyond self-help books, therapy, or a well written blog post!
Successful marriage is a lived experience, that can be observed, absorbed, and learned through real relationships and marital representation. Developing closer friendships and family relationships with healthy marriages are probably the most effective ways to pick up on those unique ingredients found in a wonderful lifelong relationship.
How to surround yourself with successful marriages.
Below are just a few ways I’ve gathered to help you begin the process of surrounding yourself with more examples of healthy, joy-filled, fruitful marriages:
Identify marriages in your own life that at least seem successful to you. Then, be intentional about spending more time with them (ask to visit their home, schedule a phone conversation, host a dinner date with them, babysit for them, bring your dog to have a playdate with their kids, suggest a double date or social outing together). If you are a female, try initiating one-on-one time with the female partner (ask her to lunch, coffee or dinner, a walk or to the gym, ask to connect with her on social media, or connect via text messaging) and vice versa for males.
Follow accounts on Instagram who champion humanity as a whole including @GoodNews_Movement, @Upworthy, @JimmyDarts, or @MajicallyNews. Learning to trust humans in general is an important first step to building trust within a lifelong committed relationship.
Find accounts that openly share the day-to-day challenges and successes of healthy marriages and families, such as @BlackMarriageMovement, @Beleafmel, @MeghanJoyToday, or the @MightyMcclures
Learn from marriage experts on Youtube “university” such as The Gottman Institute, Esther Perel, and TedTalks.
Watch as these couples share more than 134 years of marital bliss and wisdom!
5. Whenever you get the opportunity, if you see a married couple that looks healthy, compliment them! Be sure to ask what wisdom they can share with you. I did this once while sitting next to a couple at a local art gala. They’d been married more than 50 years, and I felt like I hit the jackpot when I casually asked them, “You’re a retired high school principle married to a retired school administrator, and you have four adult children together… do you have any advice or wisdom for me about raising children?” Perhaps I will write another blog soon to capture their golden responses!
Let me know if you found this blog to be helpful here. I hope you experience many years of relational joy. May your (current or future) marriage be extremely healthy as a result of your love, mutual support, joy, and intentionality!